This sure made me angry

I guess a private prison company has been paying off juvenile judges in exchange for more bodies to occupy their facilities. It's being called The "Kids for Cash" scandal. Read more Here.

It's time for the wayback but not toofarback machine.

While talking with my friend who I mentioned in the last post, he mentioned what his last stay at San Quentin had been like. He spent three months in reception where he was locked up 24 hours a day. Meals were served on the tiers inside the cells because their was no movement on the grounds on account of quarantine for swine flu. Showers were given every other day but that was 100 men scrambling for 8 shower heads, bumping uglies in the allotted 15 minute time limit. That's a lot of cell time in a 5' by 12' space shared with another person.

I think that was one of the hardest parts of prison. Sharing space with some of the craziest people I have ever met. One moment, your in the yard waiting for the guards to assign you your cell and next, your spending more time with a complete stranger than you have spent with anyone over the same stretch of time. The first few days are alright. You get to tell each other your best stories and how you ended up in prison and what you were going to do when you got out.

But what I noticed was that a lot of people have only 8 stories. And when they run out they retell them over and over while you're trying to take your mind away with a good book. It's easy to get on each other's nerves when its 90 degrees with no air flow on the block. After a month with the same person you notice everything. And everything bothers you, even the sound of teeth being brushed. The only things to look forward to was getting out of that cell for small amounts of time like yard or medical appts. or the ultimate; being called to talk to your counselor because that meant you would be out of reception and on your way to where you were going to spend the remainder of your term. Where you would work and have plenty of yard and not have to be stuck with someone for 23 hours a day.

On another note, Mr. Beer from Dope City Free Press suggested I go to a hockey game. That just might be what the Dr. ordered. I used to attend lots of Ranger games, Mets games and concerts. I have to do some of the things that brought me great joy in life. Thanks Beer. Oh and it seems like the Rangers are following what the Jets are doing this season. Starting out so strong and now trying to get out of a tailspin. I hope the cable doesn't shut off all of these free hockey games I've been getting. I've watched almost every Ranger game and can even name their lines although the coach shuffled them up last night to see if that could change their dismal performance lately.

Okay, I'll shut up

Until next time



Oh, This is my favorite blogs right now. It's a political one but funny as hell. Especially the comment section. Check it out it called Balloon Juice

Also I'd like to say hello to an ex blogger who's writing I miss. Hi Lou!

Thin Lizzy-Jailbreak

Phenomena

I ran into a friend who was released from prison the same time as myself. We were in the same program upon release and even at the parolee house. He was still trying to see how far he could push things and stayed in constant trouble with the counselors at the program and his parole officer. Although he stopped using drugs completely. He missed the "exciting life" that comes along with the life of an addict. And, he's been violated and returned to prison many times since our simultaneous release.

After the constant defiance and rebellion against being told what to do he will be discharging parole in 42 days. He could have discharged before or at least the same time as me. He is homeless. He doesn't know what to do once discharged (some scheme about working on a cruise ship).. and instead of pity coming over me a sense of happiness and gratitude bore into my soul.

This was me for years and years. I wanted an easier existence, but I didn't want to stop getting high.

This week I plan on spending a great weekend with my girlfriend.Today my sister and I conversed about our mutual problems and helped pick each other up. Also, I pitched in at work, helping my boss who was desperately trying to keep up with all of his work after my shift had ended. I helped the good of the business without being paid. A sort of gratitude for him taking a chance on hiring an ex con.

What struck me was the 160 applications and resumes the above mentioned friend handed in without a single call back.
Why was I called back so often? I am truly blessed.

And, I really want to thank all of you who pick me up so much with your kind words since I started this blog over 2 years ago. Last year at this time, things looked pretty bad with the loss of a job I really loved because of the economy, but I found myself back to work in a matter of weeks.

I still am wrestling with my future. Florida? Sacramento? San Francisco? New York? But one thing is for sure, I am being looked out for by lovely people and a power that I want to understand much better.
Until next time

Gettin Goin

I have been sorta busy lately. I have not been going to meetings as much as I would like to. I only went to 4 in the last month. I haven't got a sponsor yet. I don't feel good about this.

It's not like I am being attacked by my cravings. Actually, I am blessed that feelings of using rarely enter my head. I just feel like I am at a standstill as far as my growth is concerned. So, today I am going to a meeting and I am going to go to 5 meetings this week and maybe find a sponsor. I am not a dry drunk or white knuckling it. On the contrary, feelings of joy and gratitude wash over me at the strangest times. But, I definitely could be happier.

So what's been going on with me that I have left out of my recent posts the past few months?

Well, besides working 6 nights a week, a while back I smashed into a deer at 4 in the morning on Interstate 280 just south of San Francisco. I crested a hill and saw 2 deer face to face in the middle lanes of the freeway as if they were kissing. I slammed on the brakes and couldn't figure out which way to swerve without killing myself and slammed into one of the deer who ran towards me instead of away from me. It wrecked the right side of the Scion. My boss was cool about it. He had the same thing happen to him a few years ago. It is the third deer that I have killed. All with a vehicle. I probably do better than a lot of hunters. I wish they would leave me alone. It breaks my heart every time this happens.

I also have gone to the the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art and The DeYoung Museum in Golden Gate Park. This weekend I saw some of the Hardly Strictly Bluegrass Festival in the park. I have seen tons of movies. And spent many precious moments with my girlfriend Stacey at the beach. Football season has got me by the throat and I am going to get back into Hockey. It used to be my favorite sport. I never missed a New York Ranger game for years and years and years. My drug use took away that. Matter of fact, I wouldn't have done any of the things I mentioned above or my vacation or seeing my friends when they came to visit. I would have flaked because drugs were all that I cared about. I was talking with Stacey about something last week when a memory of that sad part of my life flooded over me. It was about my lonely existence in the latter stage of my addiction. Wake up. Use. Go out and Steal and cop. Use. Nod. Go out and steal and cop. Use. Pass out. Wake up and so on. When I walked down a busy street my head would stay down looking at my feet with the fear of running into someone I know. Everyday was the same unless the police had different plans for me. Looking back, I swear, I find it hard to believe I did all that. So Strange that my mind is tricking me into thinking that it wasn't me. I count my blessings (which there are so many) everyday. I think it's time I gave back.

Until next time.


I saw Ms. Faithfull at the Bluegrass Festival and also saw a great Video Installation at SFMOMA which featured 20 monitors of about 20 different people side by side with close ups of each one singing the same song all from John Lennon's Working Class Hero Album.

Checkin In

I've been busy with work and entertaining my girlfriend who wisely decided to spend her vacation with me the whole week. We are having fun and hopefully I won't be so tired when I have a day off on Fri.

I'll post a big one on tuesday. Lots to talk about.

Until then

Pictured Me and Not my girlfriend.

Reassurance

While leaving for the airport for my trip back home to San Francisco, my mother remarked, "Frankie, let's make it quick, Ok? She was referring to our usual excruciating goodbyes we endure whenever she or I leave each other when returning home from a visit to one another.

I replied, "Want to say bye right now" hoping to escape the embarrassment of entering the terminal like I was just tear gassed at a anarchy rally

.

With that my mom turned around and faced the front door of the house and pretended to be waiting for my stepdad, Jimmy, to exit the house. I knew she was starting. I turned to my sisters' kids and spoke with them and said goodbye fully aware of my mom's struggle with composing herself in front of everyone. But, I was struggling too. But, I manged to smile as I hugged the kids and my sister Bonnie goodbye. Wheww, that was a close one.

Bonnie and the kids left as Jimmy, mom, and I drove off for the half hour ride to the airport.

Denver, back in 2007, was one of the hardest goodbyes ever. I had surprised them by flying in to see them while they were on vacation. It was a short but sweet vacation for me. It was the second time I visited them since my release from prison earlier in the year. Before that I hadn't seen them since 2003. When it was time for me to leave, we agreed that we would say goodbye in the hotel room to save us the stares of strangers in the hotel lobby. It was very sad. At the time, I knew my mom didn't know how long the length of my clean time would last. It was possible I could be in the clink within a week if I started using again. That and of being in each others lives again made for a very emotional goodbye. As I made my way towards her she started her quiet sobs and it took just about every ounce of strength for me not to fall apart right in front of her and Jimmy. Mom was tearing up as I hugged and told her I loved her and left the room as quick as I could to save her (and me) from dehydration. "I did it, I didn't go to pieces", I thought as Jimmy and I descended 30 floors to the lobby of the Marriot.

I was a little dizzy and had about ten minutes before the shuttle came to pick me up. I was sitting in a chair in the lobby when Jimmy surprised me by handing me the phone. Oh no! It was my mom! It was my mom and she was trying to talk to me through her tears! I couldn't hold it back any longer and broke down like a toddler who hadn't had his bottle in a week. The lobby was crowded and I felt like every eye was on me. Thanks Jim, I thought sarcastically, as I tried to hide the tears that were escaping my eyeballs like prisoners emptying their cells at chow time.

This time I felt better about the public spectacle of our goodbye. Enough time had passed, I thought, to quell the fears of me going back to my old ways. Yeah, this would be a piece of cake.

But as we were getting closer to the airport, small doubts entered my mind. "Mom always cries", I thought, "Which always makes me cry".

I saw the sign for the airline that would take me back to SF. We were close. Real close. Within a minute, Jimmy pulled up to the doors of the airline where I had to check-in. This was it. Mom had to get out of the car in order for me to get out. Hence, there would be no goodbye for her in the comfort and privacy of her Mitsubishi. I squeezed my way out between the seat and the door frame and there she was. She looked nervous more than sad. It was time for me to make it quick. Quick like a bank robbery get away. Hurriedly, I thanked and told her I loved her by whispering in her ear while we hugged. She quickly uttered the same and we quickly parted as if we were magnets being repelled by our polar likeness. But it was too late for me. It had started when we embraced. I tried my might to hold back. Over her shoulder I opened my eyes and noticed a driver in a shuttle bus watching us with a great big warm smile on his face. He must have seen a million goodbyes at the airport and apparently knew our pre drive plan. I lost it right there. I quickly walked toward the airport entrance as the Mitsubishi swallowed my mom and drove off. I didn't go in. I just stood there. I stood looking at the door just like mom did earlier at the house, regaining my composure. After a minute I went in. We are so much alike.

Until next time.

Ziggy Marley-Mother and Child Reunion

I'm Dreading the Goodbye

I'll be going back to San Francisco in about 3 or 4 hours. I had such a great time seeing and being with my family the last few days. I arrived on Saturday around 8 and stayed at my brother Johnny's house. He showed me the room(s) I could stay in if I chose to ever move down here. He has two beautiful dogs and one of them, Rocco, is the friendliest dog I have ever met. The other one is friendly but a bit more subdued. But even a real friendly dog on my route pales in comparison to Rocco. On Sunday Johnny, my parents, and I went to swee the Rays play the Tigers at Tropicana field. I hadn't attended a game since 2002. The pitcher for the Rays was playing his first major league game and he struck out the side in the first two innings. We left in the middle of the game because we had to get to my sister's house. She made a wonderful dinner for us and it was nice having a home cooked meal with the family.

On Labor day my mom and I met Bonnie and the kids at Fort De Soto Beach. I had a great time playing with Katie and Christian. My stubborn ass didn't learn from past experiences with the sun and am paying for it now with a sunburned back.

And last night the whole family went to a nice restaurant on the water and had a very nice casual meal at a place called The Sea Hag.

I am really having a tug of war in my mind on what I want to do as far as moving out here. The poor economy, my girlfriend Stacey, and my love for San Francisco is going against the love for my family, maybe a better way of life because of the lower cost of living, and the adventure of finding a new way of life in a different place which I have done my whole life. But mainly it's my family. I want to be around to watch the kids grow up and look out fdor them. I want to be around my parents because I love them so much and want to spend as much time as possible with them before, well you know. It's starting to tear me apart.

So I have a couple of hours and Bonnie and the kids are on their way to say goodbye.

Until next time

Vacation-The Go Gos Live

Vacation

 

Pictures will say it better than I can. I am having such a great time with my family. Gratitude washes over me constantly. I am so lucky to have such a great family.

 

My, What a Great Week

If you have been following my blog than you know that this past week and a half has been very busy for me. A good kind of busy. I'll take this type of busy 365 days a year. Well maybe 255.

My girlfriend took a vacation and instead of visiting Europe, India, Nepal, Argentina, or any other exotic locale, she spent her time with little old me. It was our first extended period of time together and although we were both a little nervous as to see how much we could stand of each other, her stay was absolutely fantastic. My feelings for her grew much more and I didn't think that would happen.

Since my life of incarceration, with unwanted people constantly in my face asking for this and that. Sleeping in cramped quarters and being able to distinguish each man's snoring habits. I value and like time spent by myself. Not all the time mind you, but at least a day here and a day there. I might not trip on that stuff anymore as long I am with someone I love. I truly didn't want her to leave on Monday after spending 10 days with me. This woman may be the one I would be happy to spend my life with.

On Thursday, my longtime friends Kenny and Alyssa traveled respectively from Los Angeles and San Diego partly to see me but more so to see the big concert in Golden Gate Park in SF. The four of us went out to dinner at Stepps of Rome in North Beach and afterwards I took them to one of our greatest bars here in SF called Specs. My girlfriend and the others drank pretty heavily while I nursed my coke the entire night. My girlfriend was a bit worried I might develop a strong urge but thank god the thought didn't reach my mind. We had such a blast. Kenny, as you might know from an old post, told me in details his courageous battle with Lymphoma type cancer. What he went through was truly horrible and he beat it. Kenny is a hero to me. When told he had cancer years ago, I kind of just hoped for the best because they're wasn't a damn thing I could do. I was either locked up, on a binge, or in a program. His story reminded me how important life is and not to take it for granted. Alyssa and my gf Stacey were having fun getting free rounds from the bartender who must have liked what he saw.

Kenny proceeded to tell us some of the funniest stories. I was laughing so hard, I found it hard to catch my breath. It hurt and everyone else was in pain from the laughter, including Kenny.He has a way with storytelling and I think he should write his experience with cancer down on paper.We met a few more times last weekend and reminisced and had fun. We had to say goodbye to Kenny and Alyssa in front of a public BART Train Station because they were leaving in the morning. I have known Kenny and Alyssa since middle school and all of us were best friends growing up. Kenny and I had been best friends up until I got strung out on heroin and flew the coop when we both lived in LA. I left and moved to SF in 93 and since we had just about went our separate ways but always still wondering about each other. These two will always be my best friends along with a handfulof others. I thought that I would never again talk to them much less see them again during the years of my out of control don't give a fuck lifestyle. It choked me up a few times just looking at both their faces as they were speaking all the while not hearing a word. Just happy to be able to see them again. Very heartwarming and grateful.

We were about to hug and say goodbye when I heard it. The dreaded sound of someone concealing sorrow and tears from others because of the upcoming departure. I heard Kenny start and then all of us were hugging and tearing up and trying to talk in that hyperventilating crying voice. This is a group of people that I care so much about and all of them made it one of the best weeks I have had in years. Maybe a decade.

Too bad the others who planned on going didn't make it, but as long as I had these three I had it all. I love them so much.

This Saturday I leave for Florida to see the whole family. YYEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee HHHHHHHHHaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww


Until Next Time

You know what I can't figure out. My parole officer could find a needle in a haystack during his monthly visits if he thought a search was warranted. How did the parole officer who did monthly visits to a sex offender's house miss the woman and two girls who he had hidden in his back yard?

PS in case your wondering, not one drop of alcohol passed through my lips and I didn't miss it at all. God or a phenomena I don't understand took away that urge!

High Noon

First of all, the above picture was borrowed from Google images and not a picture of the AA meeting I attend. I went to the meeting I talked about in my last post yesterday. I really like this meeting. I can identify with these people more than any other meeting I've gone to. Surprisingly, I didn't see one person I knew. Just familiar faces. The other times I've been here I was swarmed by people I knew who introduced me to other people exclaiming, "This is the funniest guy on earth!" which put pressure on me to start entertaining strangers. I am shy when I first meet people and once they warm up to me, I then put on my comic act. After the secretary asked if there were any newcomers I stood up and introduced myself by putting my hands on the outside my mouth like I was about to start yodeling and said, "Hi everyone, I'm Frank and I am an alcoholic" in the same decibels as a jackhammer. That put some smiles on others faces, I guess, because I was loud and proud. Shortly afterwards a big guy came up to me and handed me a slip of paper with his number on it and said, "If you need a sponsor give me a call." Man, did he jump the gun.

I mainly went to this meeting to find a sponsor of my choosing. Every meeting here has a time when the secretary asks if there are any people here who need a sponsor and then he asks if there are any people here who wish to be sponsors. This was where I was going to scope out the the people raising their hands and ask them to sponsor me after the meeting was over.

The man who rushed to me and gave me the phone number sort of put me off to him because I am a bit weary when someone is overeager. Then I started thinking too much and didn't want to hurt his feelings by raising my hand and asking for a sponsor when he had just offered. Plus, when the meeting was about to end and we all stood in a circle to say the closing prayer, he ran over next to me, grabbed my hand, and again offered to sponsor me. I felt a bit harassed. I should have used one of those AA cliches on him. "Easy does it, pal." I politely said thank you and didn't linger afterwards like I had planned . I bolted for the door after the meeting ended.

However, a man who was a bit self effacing during his share who had over 11 years clean certainly interested me. When they were passing the mike around to people who wanted to share after the speaker had finished, he was standing in front of us all like president Obama at a news conference. The person who shared before him had gone up front to share because that's what her sponsor had told her to do. Instead of walking ten feet over to him and handing him the mike she stood at the front and sort of made him walk over and stand in front of all of us. After saying about 20 words he stopped, looked around at all of us (over 100 people easily) and exclaimed, "What the fuck am I doing in front like this. As he walked away and hid behind a pillar off to the side he continued by saying, "I don't want you people to see me." He shared and did a brief history of his experience with AA. This would have been the guy I would have asked to be my sponsor. I will look for him later today when I go to High Noon and ask him. If he's not there, I may ask someone else who I feel would be a good fit for me in helping me work the steps. I have to get one the sooner the better.

Until next time

Art- From a Bad art Display at my roommates Party

Smelvis-Painted with Bar B Q Sauce on Bounty Paper towel

Here's a song by Broken Social Scene which is able to encompass warm, lush, and calming sounds without being too overbearing. Unlike the above gentlemen. “All your kind their coming clean / they shut their eyes, their mess, their scene” Many bands write songs about being an outsider to a new and unfamiliar scene, but few manage to make it enthralling as “KC Accidental” actually is.

KC Accidental-Broken Social Scene

The Greatest Readers

Craggy Youthfullness

Just got home after a long day at work. I had to do my twice a month Napa Valley route after I finished my regular San Jose run. I'm glad I never was into wine or I would be "Jukey"(nervous craving) every time I do that route. All along Rt 121 you will find numerous wineries, quaint towns with 4 star restaurants, Infineon Raceway and a "Wine Tain" that runs along side of the highway. One of my stops was the Meadowood. My girlfriend told me that's where the stars stay when they come to Napa. Napa is a wine drinker's paradise. I tried to imagine a "Heroin Train" but didn't get far with that.

Work has been going well and my new place is swell. It's still a little strange, living day to day like normal folks. My roommate is very active in politics and she lets everyone on the block know by screaming at the television when a Republican comes on and spreads fear among us so we won't be behind health reform. It was her 70th birthday and she threw a party. Everyone here had fun. I heard an interview with Bill Gates Sr at the Commonwealth Club on the radio. He is 84 and he also is very active with the foundation his son and wife founded. I hope I have that much energy when I reach that age. But first I have to reach that age and odds are against me that I will live past 60 because I am an addict/alcoholic.

Which brings me to my AA program. Since posting I have gone to two meetings. I didn't know which kind of meetings they were because I had never gone to the one in the Marina district nor the one closer to my house in the Sunset district. Both were book studies. On Monday, at the Marina during the book study, an old friend grabbed me by the arm and we went outside. We wound up talking throughout the whole meeting. Like me, he went to Delancey Street. He's been involved in AA since a big relapse after graduating. I told him about my situation and he gave me some tips on some good meetings in my neighborhood. Most of them were at night which I won't attend because I like to stay awake while I'm working. But one did sound interesting. It's called "Ass in a Bag" and it happens to fall on my day off.

At the other meeting, there was a small group of guys reading the latter steps from the Big Book. I didn't get a sponsor at either. Tomorrow I am going to go back to the High Noon meeting I was going to in the spring which has a speaker meeting with a sizable crowd. I want to start working the steps by next week. I remember they ask if anybody needs a sponsor during the meeting. This time my hand will go up.

I was talking with a fellow worker about my losing a library book on the bus. Somehow our conversation drifted to a day when he was driving a cab in the city. He was in a taxi queue waiting for his turn to pick up a passenger in front a hotel. He noticed a man with a cane who stood by the Cabbie Stand sign letting cab after cab go until my coworker's cab reached the man. The man jumped (?) in and told him he only used the company my coworker drove for after giving him the destination address. As they were driving the man asked how were things going. My coworker complained about the rough financial times he was experiencing because of the economy and the man said, "That's too bad." At trip's end the fare was $14.60. The man gave him $15.00 and said, "Keep the change." My friend was a bit annoyed and decided to call it a day. Later,as he was leaving the cab he noticed a wallet in the back seat. He opened it and it was loaded with cash along with various papers and ID and the man's building ID. The building ID read, Federal Judge, So my friend called the Federal building, got in touch with the man's secretary and made arrangements to return the wallet. They met and the man rewarded my coworker with a $50 bill. Not much of a story I thought, when he said, "I'll never forget that Judge's name. Thelton Henderson." Finally, a reason why he was telling me the story. Not that my coworker knows about my past and ecided to name drop, more like something bigger wanted me to wear the grin I was now wearing. This is the same Judge who is wresting control over the California Department of Corrections for their serious overcrowding issues. My coworker didn't like this man. I, on the other hand, consider him a hero.

Until next time

Clampdown-The Clash